As a privately held company, Modern Evil is not required to publicly report on any of its operations or activities. This blog of the Products & Services Division is a faint reflection of our interests and opinions. Thank you.

~ Harold P. Chessman, V.P. Products & Services


Creepy Crawly Robots 4 U

CATEGORY: Crawling Robots, Ultimate Destruction, Fun

DIVISION: Modern Evil Products

NOTE: Crawling robots will NOT, repeat, NOT take over the planet. However they may disrupt it from time to time. So join the fun and order your Modern Evil Creepy Robot today. With Five Fantastic models to choose from - Crawling Japanese Businessman, Rolly-Chatty Severed Head, Left Hand, Right Hand, and The Upper Torso Terrorizer - you can unleash laughter while you unleash hell on your friends and family.

Enjoy a demo of the good times to come. Order now!


Fake Penis Felony

CATEGORY: Felony, Fake Penis, Drug Test

DIVISION: Modern Evil Products

NOTE: Shooting bottles in the woods or target practice on the range is OK, but take your loaded weapon into a bank and wave it around - now, you've got problems. A fake penis works the same way. Waggle it happily at a party or shoot ketchup through it in the privacy of your own home - it's all good. But use it to subvert drug tests and you'll be locked up where the waggle parties are nasty.

H.B. Man Pleads Guilty to Selling Fake Penis to Cheat Drug Tests

Reports: Robert Dennis Catalano helped sell Whizzinator, Yellow River devices, designed to thwart drug tests.


A Huntington Beach man pleaded guilty before a U.S. District Court in Pittsburgh this week to selling products such as the Whizzinator, which has a prosthetic penis to help people cheat workplace drug tests, according to published reports.

Robert Dennis Catalano, 62, of Huntington Beach; George W. Wills, 65, of San Pedro; and their company Puck Technology Inc., in Signal Hill, pleaded guilty Monday to conspiracy to defraud the government and conspiracy to sell drug paraphernalia, according to the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review.

Contraptions called the Whizzinator, Yellow River and Number 1 sold by the company allowed men and women to simulate urination in order to register a false negative during testing, the Review said.

The Whizzinator attracted the attention of Congress in 2005 when a National Football League player tried to cheat a drug test. Then-Minnesota Vikings running back Onterrio Smith was detained at Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport with the prosthetic and a packet of dehydrated urine. A House subcommittee held a hearing but no action was ever taken, reports said.

Actor Tom Sizemore also was caught with one after he attempted to evade drug tests while on probation, reports said.

Company website, which is still online, said "The Whizzinator is an easy to conceal, easy to use urinating device with a very realistic prosthetic penis. It is designed to be comfortably worn as an undergarment for extended periods of time and has been extensively tested and proven to work under real-life conditions."

The devices were sold from October 2005 through May 2008. If convicted, Catalano and Wills could face up to eight years in prison and a fine of $500,000, reports said.

As part of the investigation, undercover purchases of the products were made on Sept. 8, 2006, and Feb. 7, 2007. The company has stopped operating, according to the paper.

Sentencing is scheduled for Feb. 20 before U.S. District Judge David S. Cercone, reports said.


My Warhol

CATEGORY: Narcissism, Face, Self-Statues

DIVISION: Modern Evil Products

COMMENT: The repetitive image was the artistic staple that made Warhol,... well, Warhol. The Marilyns, the Elvises - if it was an icon, it got repeated. Now the narcissistic among us can combine Warhol and self-adoration in one wonderful service - With a couple of pictures of your head, you can see yourself at 20, 40, 60, or 260! Best of all is their FaceStatue - a photo-realistic 3D statue of your head. And six months from now, every self-obsessed celebrity/artist will fill galleries with signed cranial effigies of every color imaginable at $10K a pop. Damn you and your bejewelled $$$ skull Damien Hirst!

ThatsMyFace offers free online facial analysis as well as FaceStatues, which are glass or plastic statuettes custom-made from your facial profile.

How it Works : Take a frontal and profile photo of your face, upload it to our servers and within a few hours we'll generate your facial profile which includes:
  • Your face at 20, 40 and 60 years old
  • Your face as an African, Indian, Asian or Caucasian
  • Your face as man or woman
  • Your caricature
  • Identify your facial asymmetries
  • Attractiveness rating
  • Compare yourself to others and find you look-alikes
  • Buy your custom-made FaceStatue!

What's a FaceStatue?

Once you've created your own facial profile, we can recreate your face or its caricature as a true-to-life 3D replica. Using patent-pending 3D modeling techniques previously reserved to film studios and professional 3D designers, as well as cutting-edge manufacturing technologies pioneered by the car prototyping industry, ThatsMyFace can bring you life-like FaceStatues of your face to your doorstep.


Death Diamonds and Necro-Knick-Knacks

CATEGORY: Jewelry, Death, Remembrance

DIVISION: Modern Evil Products

EDITORIAL: What can't you create out of a dead body?! Really, that's the shorter list. So in the spirit of embalming, The Modern Evil Company announces an entire line of lucite-based products: Necro-Knick-Knacks. From paperweights to picture frames, Necro-Knick-Knacks are those indispensable gadgets that are handy for the home or office and do double-duty as death keepsakes. With a lifetime guarantee, you'll never forget where your loved ones are.

What is a LifeGem?

The LifeGem is a certified, high-quality diamond created from the carbon of your loved one as a memorial to their unique life, or as a symbol of your personal and precious bond with another.

LifeGem diamonds are molecularly identical to natural diamonds found at any high-end jeweler. To qualify as diamonds, they must have the exact same brilliance, fire, and hardness (the hardest substance known) as diamonds from the earth, and of course, they do!

LifeGem diamonds are created individually from your specific carbon source in our patented process.

Whether you've lost a loved one or simply want to celebrate your love, the LifeGem diamond provides a way to embrace your loved one’s memory day by day. The LifeGem is the most unique and timeless tribute available for creating a testimony to their unique life.

Your LifeGem memorial will offer comfort and support when and where you need it, and provide a lasting memory that endures just as a diamond does.


The Inexactitudes of Stoning

CATEGORY: Sharia Law, Far-Flung-Faith Tours

Modern Evil Products

FOLLOW-UP: What didn't sit right with us the first go-around was the fact that the woman stoned to death "asked to be charged and punished for the crime she committed". Under Sharia or any other law, criminals don't normally turn themselves in. Note then - the story is now corrected, so book your Far-Flung-Faith Tour to marvelous Mogadishu soon!

Stoning Victim 'Begged for Mercy'

A young woman recently stoned to death in Somalia first pleaded for her life, a witness has told the BBC.

"Don't kill me, don't kill me," she said, according to the man who wanted to remain anonymous. A few minutes later, more than 50 men threw stones.

Human rights group Amnesty International says the victim was a 13-year-old girl who had been raped.

Initial reports had said she was a 23-year-old woman who had confessed to adultery before a Sharia court.

Numerous eye-witnesses say she was forced into a hole, buried up to her neck then pelted with stones until she died in front of more than 1,000 people last week.

Meanwhile, Islamists in the capital, Mogadishu have carried out a public flogging.

Mogadishu is nominally under the control of government forces and their Ethiopian allies, who face frequent attacks by Islamist and nationalist insurgents.

The BBC's Mohammed Olad Hassan in the city says the flogging was a show of strength.

He says two men accused of helping to kill a man and torture his mother, who they accused of theft, were each given 39 lashes in the north-eastern suburb of Suqa-hola.

The man who actually killed the alleged thief was released, after agreeing to pay his family 100 camels in compensation.

Before the flogging, hundreds of Islamist fighters performed a military parade, our reporter says.

Death Threats

Cameras were banned from the stoning in Kismayo, but print and radio journalists who were allowed to attend estimated that the woman, Aisha Ibrahim Duhulow, was 23 years old.

However, Amnesty said it had learned she was 13, and that her father had said she was raped by three men.

When the family tried to report the rape, the girl was accused of adultery and detained, Amnesty said.

Convicting a girl of 13 for adultery would be illegal under Islamic law.

A human rights activist in the town told the BBC on condition of anonymity that he had received death threats from the Islamic militia, who accuse him of spreading false information about the incident.

He denies having anything to with Amnesty's report.


Court authorities have said the woman came to them admitting her guilt.

She was asked several times to review her confession but she stressed that she wanted Sharia law and the deserved punishment to apply, they said.

But a witness who spoke to the BBC's Today programme said she had been crying and had to be forced into a hole before the stoning, reported to have taken place in a football stadium.

"More than 1,000 people arrived there," he said.

"After two hours, the Islamic administration in Kismayo brought the lady to the place and when she came out she said: 'What do you want from me?'"

"They said: 'We will do what Allah has instructed us'. She said: 'I'm not going, I'm not going. Don't kill me, don't kill me.'

"A few minutes later more than 50 men tried to stone her."

Checked by Nurses

The witness said people crowding round to see the execution said it was "awful".

"People were saying this was not good for Sharia law, this was not good for human rights, this was not good for anything."

But no-one tried to stop the Islamist officials, who were armed, the witness said. He said one boy was shot in the confusion.

According to Amnesty International, nurses were sent to check during the stoning whether the victim was still alive. They removed her from the ground and declared that she was, before she was replaced so the stoning could continue.

The port of Kismayo was seized in August by a coalition of forces loyal to rebel leader Hassan Turki, and al-Shabab, the country's main radical Islamist insurgent organisation.

Mr. Turki is on the US list of "financers of terrorism".

It was the first reported execution by stoning in the southern port city since Islamist insurgents captured it.

The BBC had a reporter in the area, but he was shot dead in Kismayo in June.